March of the Black Queen
by chair-chan
Summary: "Drizzt took a deep breath and prepared himself to do the one thing even the most stoic of straight male heroes would shy from: Propositioning two men." Oneshot.


March of the Black Queen

By chair-chan

Recommended listening: March of the Black Queen, by Queen

A tall, haughty form swept down the street, bright skirts swishing in the breeze. The cool air hardly dared touch the person's perfectly coiffed hair, done up in the female elfin style. One thin braid was gathered from either side of the face, and tied up in the back, leaving the rest of the pale hair to flow down the person's back, out of their face.

The pouting lips only got became more and more petulant as the person entered every bar in the district. It exited each one after about a minute, obviously not finding what it sought.

The fine, thin slippers it wore were beginning to become worn out, and the delicate strings of gems braided into the person's hair were starting to slip. In short, it was not a very pleasant state to be in. Finally, at the absolute last tavern on the street, the form seemed to find what it had been looking for; it went into the tavern, and did not emerge again a minute later.

In fact, it stayed much longer than it had expected to...

00

00

00

Drizzt Do'Urden was _extremely_ displeased. He was hot, uncomfortable, and embarrassed.

This may have had something to do with the fact that he was currently wearing a dress.

Which, of course, was the result of drinking with Catti-brie: the woman was absolutely devious in her drunken bets.

'_This is the_ last time _I_ **ever** _get drunk in the same_ continent _as her!_' Drizzt thought to himself, sticking his head in the next tavern he had to search.

He had poked his head in every single tavern in the main thoroughfare of Silverymoon before he found what he was looking for. He pouted, his pretty face looking adorably grumpy, and pushed the door open.

Drizzt fought the urge to duck as he spotted his target. Instead, he muttered softly to himself, trying out a high voice. He didn't want to immediately be recognized as male; that would make his situation even more embarrassing and awkward.

He still couldn't believe what the devious woman had forced him to do! If he'd had the slightest inkling of what had been going through her mind when she'd dared him...

Drizzt took a deep breath and prepared himself to do the one thing even the most stoic of straight male heroes would shy from: Propositioning two men.

Drizzt rubbed his cheek, and then decided to do this as quickly as possible. He flounced over to the table where a dark, bald head shone in the lamplight.

"Hello, boys." Drizzt tried to purr. "How are you two today?"

His most hated enemy looked up, squinted, wondered if that was Drizzt Do'Urden, and then shook his head, fixing his gaze back on the table. '_I need to stop obsessing over that damn drow._' Was all Artemis thought.

"So much better now that you're here, my lady." Jarlaxle had turned around, and was now grinning at the luscious morsel in front of him.

"Oh, you flatterer." Drizzt flapped a hand at Jarlaxle, and tried to act girly. Apparently it worked, because Jarlaxle didn't look suspicious. "Well then...a man as finely dressed as you would have an equally fine room, wouldn't he?" the elf asked.

"Would you like to see for yourself?" Jarlaxle's grin was wide.

"Uhm..." Drizzt hedged, "Well..."

"Oh, you do not have to play coy," Jarlaxle laughed. "Come, Madame." He grabbed Drizzt's wrist and started tugging him up the stairs. "I will not think you immodest if you confessed that you wanted a...closer, more _private_ look at such a fine specimen as I." He whispered. By this time, they were up the stairs, and Jarlaxle bent down to withdraw a key from his boot.

Drizzt panicked. The bet had only stipulated that he proposition the two men, not that he actually bed one of them!

"Oh, Master Jarlaxle, really, that will not be necessary. That was not what was going through my mind at all!" Drizzt tried to sound playful but firm.

"Jarlaxle?" the drow asked, standing up and looking slightly surprised. "I don't recall ever mentioning my name."

"Why...I thought you certainly had," Drizzt said, starting to sound a little faint.

"No." Jarlaxle said, and then without warning, Drizzt found himself pinned to the wall with a knife to his throat. Unfortunately as he was wrenched sideways, one of the shoulders of his dress tore. One of the two bright orange fruits that Catti-brie had stuffed into the front of his bodice teetered out...Drizzt watched it thud to the floor and roll a few feet down the hall. Both dark elves stared after it, mouths wide open; one in fear, and one in shock.

"What the hell?!" The bald mercenary finally spluttered. His pale, fine eyebrows snapped together, and he felt the one supposed breast that Drizzt was still sporting. His frown deepened as he felt that the "full breast" was some type of hard fruit. "Who are you, and what are you _doing_?" Jarlaxle demanded.

"Jarlaxle...it's me. Drizzt. And I had to proposition you because I'd lost a bet."

For a second, Jarlaxle scowled. And then he pulled away, slid to the floor, and laughed until tears came to his eyes. "Oh!" he choked out. "If only I had a way to record this moment!"

At that point, an alarmed Artemis Entreri rushed up the stairs, having heard shouts, and burst in on them. He saw what appeared to be his companion, curled up on the floor, perhaps wounded, and the lady leaning on the wall.

He sprinted up. As the lady saw him, she began turning away, starting to run, but he lunged, and caught the edge of her skirt.

With a loud _riiiiiip_ the material separated, and Artemis was left looking at a long strip of silk left in his hand as the "gentle maid" ran to the window and leaped out. Torn between ascertaining what was wrong with Jarlaxle and chasing the maiden, he decided that Jarlaxle could care for himself, and jumped out the window as well.

It was pathetically easy to spot the dark lady amongst the commoners; after all, she couldn't run very fast as she was holding her skirts together. She stumbled, and he could have sworn that he saw something round and orange fall from her front.

She noticed him, and started full-out running away. Artemis ran faster. But soon others began noticing the beautiful woman fleeing, and began chasing her as well. This seemed to make her more and more frantic, and she ran faster.

Then, the city guard noticed several men chasing a woman, and _they_ started chasing them. Artemis wondered if this could go any more wrong.

00

00

00

Drizzt barreled into the inn that he and Catti-brie were staying in, and gathered up his companions very quickly. They all ran after him, and immediately started packing as he told them that Artemis Entreri was on his heels and that they needed to leave town.

As they loaded the horses, his friends did not complain, but Wulfgar _did_ have a question. "Drizzt? Why are you wearing Catti-brie's dress?"

They mounted their horses, and started riding at full speed towards the gate out of the city.

"Now, now, Wulfgar," Regis, who hadn't been on the bet, placated, "some men get a kind of excitement from such things, especially jaded adventurers such as our friend here." He motioned to Drizzt.

Catti-brie laughed raucously as Drizzt covered his face in shame.

00

00

00

When Artemis returned from the wild goose chase he'd been led on to, he found Jarlaxle in the same position he'd left the elf in. He was curled up on the floor, and wheezing.

"Are you wounded?" Artemis demanded. Jarlaxle ignored him. Finally, the assassin realized that the drow was giggling.

"Drizzt! Ahahahaaaaa." Jarlaxle muttered, as he got up.

Artemis realized that this partnership was not good for his mental health.

00

00

00

A/N: Many thanks to my lovely beta, Tiggermyk: She made this story a lot more realistic. Also, special thanks to PhantomBoo for helping me flesh out my ideas and refine the story concept (ooh, now I'm sounding all fancy). And last but not least, thank you to all my reviewers. You make me keep posting (if slowly)! :D

Btw, nothing is ever 100 percent perfect, and sometimes funny things happen to my grammar when things are posted. If any of y'all spot anything, don't hesitate to give me a shout so that I can correct any mistakes I may have made!


End file.
